Do you need more attention in your relationship?

Do you need more attention in your relationship?

This is the next article by Sarah Cavendish. Enjoy! - Aya

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Having a good relationship requires, amongst other things, that the individuals devote attention to one another. When life intervenes, and attention is lacking, one or other person can sometimes start to feel bad, start to miss the other person, start to miss engaging with the other person. This is not necessarily a sign that the person needs to toughen up and become less vulnerable, it is part of what it means to be human. Those who are happy not to see or talk to their spouse week in, week out may be proud of their psychological independence, but if you have a deep, intimate connection with someone, it is natural to want to engage with that person.

In some relationships, when people feel a lack of engagement, they are unable to express that openly and honestly. In many cases, they are unable to admit even to themselves that they feel such a lack. People think they should not feel like that. They see their need for engagement with the person they love as being a childish need for attention. Adults are supposed to be over that, they think. We're supposed to be independent and invulnerable. We're not supposed to need anyone.

And so, they panic. They start throwing damning-sounding labels around, and wondering if they need therapy. They despise their ‘co-dependency’ and deny their human need for attention and engagement with the one they love.

But because they do need attention, they are drawn, unconsciously, to destructive actions. They sulk, snap at the person when he or she is there, and pine when he or she is not. They are less kind, less accommodating, more defensive. They might pick fights.

None of this is necessarily conscious or intentional, and sometimes, even when those acting in these destructive ways can see that this is what they are doing and want to stop, they are unable to, because there is still a problem to solve – still a lack of engagement.

You might think that the answer to this problem is to lead ever more separate lives, working towards not needing the other person at all. After all, you would not want to demand more than the other person is willing to give. Demanding more than the other person wants to give is a recipe for trouble, as I have argued before. So having a goal of not needing the other person can be a valiant and honourable attempt not to impose on the other person.

But just what exactly is the point of being in a relationship if it is only theoretical and in your own mind? A relationship implies a connection between two individuals. If the relationship does not involve engaging with the other person, it is not a relationship you have, it is a fantasy. There is nothing wrong with having a fantasy; but don't confuse that with having a relationship.

Forget the ghastly psychobabble labels; forget the self-deprecation; forget the goal of not needing the other person. Instead, work towards being honest and open about your desire for engagement, without imposing on the one you love. The more you can be open-hearted and honest about your feelings, the easier it will be to meet your need for engagement in the relationship, and the less you will find yourself acting destructively.


Sarah Cavendish