the what should and what if(s)

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I had a talk with whom one friend of mine considered this particular
person as inspiring and motivating.
This person shared her experience during a course she attended currently,
which basically to find you within yourself and to really help you,
yourself as a person.
To cut story short, it all comes down to each individual;
whether you want and choose to change your life for the better or not.

So it got me thinking.

I pretty know what I want in my life.

No... I should say...

I KNOW what I want in my life.

I want a job that I really enjoy working for.
I want to be independent and if situations allowed,
I want to quit my current job and focus on what I have installed for myself.
I want a relationship that can give me security financially and emotionally.
I want that person to be able to guide me to become a better person,
someone that I know I can perform my duty towards the religion together.
I want when we're old, we can still keep talking without growing tired of
each other and just go travel/date just like loving couple anytime we want.
Take massy's parents for example.

Whatever it is, at the end of the day, I'm just a simple girl who wants something just like what everybody else wanted as well. Yet, we still hold on to what we're doing now; both career and relationship wise.

Just like anybody else, I do question myself from time to time whether this is the right thing to do or not. Whether this is the right path to go on with... Whether I should continue what I'm doing now and lose what I 'invested' in financially and emotionally, waste another set of years and be hurt (again) and regret it later on; or should I just scream 'fuck it' and take the risk, you never know what is installed for you in the future.

What if it'll not work out?
What if it's just not meant to be?
What if it's just another path in life that you have to take,
fail and learn something from it?
Whatever happens to the confidence and faith in what you're doing? or faith in having a relationship with someone?

e.g.,

what happen if he met another me but better and less complicated?
what happen if old habits die hard when what you need is for him to be able to be someone who you can look up to?

Before you begin to make assumptions, let me just straight things out.

Most of my friends know the state of my current relationship.
We're very happy despite differences in race and religion.
No problem at all.

Seriously.

It just takes a lot more effort and understandings to work things
out compare to dating a normal malay guy. (Heck, even dating those
in the same religion doesn't guarantee a happy ending).

We might carry the same title, but most practice otherwise.

Forget those who choose to break the rules, even the super mambo
jumbo who looks 'holy' are worse.

I won't call myself holy.
I even fail to maintain my relationship with HIM.
But I know I always push myself to be a better person,
connect with HIM and do what I must do and I know the stuff that
I need to stay away from clearly.

It's funny when you have so much confident in you and yet at the
same time very insecure about things around you.
Plus, it's quiet difficult for me to really express things out verbally easily.
I sometimes don't know what's the right thing to say as to not to
offend / scare/ create a misunderstanding between anyone.

Sometimes you know what you want, but there are still tons of other things to be considered;
It'll always bug you from time to time so I guess I have to rely on god's gift to us women: our intuition ;)

Nobody wants to fail anyway and that's why we take precautions.
I know I always have the tendency to rush things and get all frustrated if things doesn't go my way; and I know I should take one step at a time and give others the same chance as well.

que sera sera

Oyasumi! ^^

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